Learning good parenting from Strawberry Shortcake

The last couple of days I have been short with my kids, getting frustrated at them and yelling at them. Saying hurtful things in a hurtful voice. Just not being the understanding and patient mother I have worked so hard to become. Going overboard when they spill something or do something I tell them to not to do. In general I have been a real monster. It is embarrassing to admit and the guilt at knowing I have been so horrible to them is worse than anything.

I have worked hard to become a good mother, a strong woman to lead my children out of babyhood and into childhood. I have worked hard at being patient, loving, and involved. So to backslide into the crappy mother I was is very disheartening.

Every other Thursday my kids get to sleep in as late as they like, get whatever they want for breakfast, and watch hours of cartoons. It is a special treat since they then go to their fathers house Thursday night and stay there to Sunday night. It makes me feel good and them happy.

Today after the last few days of Monster Mommy I felt sick with guilt. After a good cry and thorough apologies to both of my kids which they were quick with -its okay mommy, I love you- from both of them (isn't three such a great, forgiving age) we settled on the couch for snuggles, and cartoons along with yummy snacks. As they watch TV I usually read or play on my computer. But today since I just wanted to snuggle close to them I didn't have anything to distract me. We started watching Strawberry Shortcake. In this episode Strawberry and her friends were making a cake. Strawberry's little sister Apple Dumpling wanted to help. She was just a little one like a toddler. So Strawberry gave her an easy job but in minutes she had created a huge mess spilling ingredients everywhere. I thought to myself, what a mess, I can not believe they let her help. That is why you should not let little ones help. I would be so angry and I would tell her to get the heck out of the kitchen (something I had unfortunately said to my own daughter, my beloved little girl only this morning for spilling, just an accident, an incident of being only 3 and wanting to help Mommy). But did Strawberry get angry? No, she was patient and kind to the little one. I then thought to myself wow you are being such a jerk. Look how sweet Strawberry is. I need to take a lesson from Strawberry,

Often times people who see me in the grocery store or out and about other places dealing with two rambunctious toddlers tell me -you might not know but this is the best time of your life-. The thing is, I do know it. I do get frustrated, and I do say some mean things to my children and there is no excuse for it. Luckily for them the meanness has been reduced to almost none and hopefully it will be none soon. But I know how wonderful this time is. I know this is the time that my kids will love me unconditionally, want to be be with me 24/7, and will hug and kiss me no matter what no matter where. I know that this is the only time that I can always get them to listen to me (one way or another). I know it will never get better. Knowing makes it scarier I think. I know if I screw up too badly during this time I will live the rest of my life regretting it. So I am taking a lesson from Strawberry Shortcake. I can not wait for the next time Emily wants to help me so she can spill something and I can say -it's cool Em, spills happen-

Construction truck petting zoo

Yesterday I took my kids to a free local event called The Construction Truck Petting Zoo. It was fantastic. It was held in front of the big library downtown with two small streets closed and all different kinds of construction trucks parked and open for explorers. The kids got to climb in and press all the buttons, honk the horns and generally explore these massive and some smaller vehicles. I had been looking forward to this event for a couple weeks. I knew my kids would like it, it was outdoors and best of all it was free! Since I have started writing about our fun together I had planned on taking some pictures and doing a little entry. So I am snapping picture, pictures of us getting there, pictures of the kids in the trucks lots of pictures. I never really look at the pictures I take when I am taking them, I just snap away and there is usually a few good ones. Finally we were getting to the second to last truck, a massive one with a long line. I am not familiar with vehicles so I have no idea what mos

This is the tire to the massive truck-->

over here

t of these were. I am taking pictures when I notice some pop up on my screen. No memory card. I had not put the memory card back from the last time I transferred to my computer. No picture! I had been looking forward to the awesome pictures for weeks.

For the first time I did not let something like this ruin the experience. It was hard and took a few minutes, but as I looked at the kids and saw how much fun they were having it was not so bad. Also I had my phone so I just took pictures with that. They were not quite as good but hey. So the kids got a chance to go and see most of the trucks again so mommy could have pictures. They had no problem going in all the trucks again.

There was also Popsicle, lemonade, and popcorn. Kids were loving beeping the horns of all the trucks and parents trying to keep their kids from driving everyone crazy with the sound of horns beeping. -Okay honey ten beeps is enough lets give someone else a turn-.

 As with most things with Emily and Julian they only wanted to  stay together. When I told Julian to go stand in front of a giant wheel taller than him he wouldn't unless Emily went with, but then Julian does seem more likely to need Emily's company.
 A radio station was there and gave the kids a free chap stick a special treat because Mommy keeps hers away from them. They each got their very own. When we went to one of the trucks the owner was there (the owners all kept close to the trucks for instructions or questions) and when Julian was climbing in -I can do it myself- he turns to the truck owner and hands him his chap stick and says -you hold this, not mommy- the owner laughed and said -I will hold it for you-

With two three year old with tons of energy they were all over the place. Since the roads were closed I was happy to give them some leeway. There were lines for most of the trucks and in one Emily ran over and climbed in one while I was distracted with Julian. I went to grab her out but this woman was standing there blocking the door telling Emily its not her turn. Finally  I got her attention to tell her that Emily was mine and I would be happy to her her down if I could get pass the lady. The lady says -you know, there is a line- duh I think to myself but I just smiled and said -yea, you know three year olds, so impatient. Nothing could annoy me or frustrate me, and that is not common. I am easily frustrated.

All in all it was a great day. My life with my kids just gets better and better. I am just enjoying every day with them. You never know when it will end, whether from sickness, accidents, or time just passing when kids do not want to be Mommy's little babies anymore.

Fish Ladder Park

I had such an adventurous and exciting day planned for Emily and Julian. We were going to go to Fish Ladder Park and check out the fish, then start walking the path towards other sights. It was a nice if not hot day out. Of course nothing ever turns out as planned. One regrettable incident can ruin a whole day.

Already lost his shoe

When we got there I picked Julian up first to look into the water. I kind of swung him up and his shoe went flying. Right into the water. His absolute favorite shoe that he like wearing more than any other. Flying into the water never to be seen again. His Diego Shoes that his father has already been searching for, for weeks in a larger size because Julian loves them so much.

I could not feel worse if I smacked him or yelled at him for something he did not do. The whole day felt ruined  to me. I searched in vain for the shoe. As if I might see it in this rapids like water and be able to somehow fish it out. With the recent rains the fish ladder park was a heavy flowing rapids leading to the second disappointment  I had no fish to show off to the kids and see their excited amazement.

I would not let this trip be a bust. With only one shoe obviously we could not do much walking. They were real troopers though. Despite Julian reminding me every ten seconds- you pick me up and my shoe fall in the water, Diego in the water- he was okay about it. We stayed by the water and hung out a little, then we headed out. I got them a slushie at Miejer and now I have to scour the internet for little brown Diego shoes so my son doesn't have to feel bad that his mom threw his favorite shoe in the river.

Co parenting

Co parenting is so hard. Raising children in two households with different rules and ideals in each home can be hard. Although it is difficult, it gets easier as time goes by.

For most of the first three years of Emily and Julian's life they did not know anything about their father John. I disliked him more than anybody I had ever disliked and the feeling was mutual. He made little effort to see the kids. He wanted to see them on his terms or not at all so not at all it was. I wasn't a big fan of his and so I was content with not at all although I was pretty vocal with complaining about him never seeing the kids. I lived in Massachusetts and he lived in Michigan.

When the kids were three I moved to Michigan for a few reasons but the biggest was my aunt and uncle lived there and they had always been pretty supportive of me and the kids. I was not doing well and I needed some stability and so did the kids. Also John was in Michigan and so maybe he could be a part of the kids life.

When we fist got to Michigan their was still tension between John and I. He still wanted the kids on his terms and I still did not want to meet his terms. I was very protective of Emily and Julian. John wanted to jump right into full weekends. I wanted him to visit them in a familiar environment at first for several months. Since neither of us could come up with an agreement John stopped seeing the kids. Finally we went to court. The courts decided that the kids would see him in a familiar environment for a couple weeks and then every other weekend. I was sad that I would finally have to share the kids but the pressure was off of me for having to deal with visitation. It was out of my hands and I was relieved.

The tension between John and I was still very high. He did not want to hear anything I had to say about the kids and what they liked or didn't like what scared them what worked, anything. I did not want the kids to like him. I never bad mouthed him to Emily and Julian and I never tried to make them dislike him but I am sure that the tension between us was obvious. The kids would cry and scream for me when they came, they sure did not want to go. They were happy when they got home but still very happy to see me. I felt so loved, but I felt so sad every other weekend when they left, seeing them cry and and scared as they drove away. I started to tell them how much their Daddy loved them and how much he missed them. We would Skype once in a while. John and I started talking a little when we exchanged the kids. Nothing much just how they were during the weekend, stuff they did or were going to do.

Now I look forward to the off weekends. I enjoy a little freedom, I enjoy chatting with John when we meet up. We call each other for whatever and talk and joke an laugh. John has been asking me to get Emily her first haircut because her hair has become a bit unmanageable  (I asked him not to do it, I wanted a special thing with Emily) and while I was writing this he called me just to ask if I had done it yet. I told him I had not and he told me that for some reason her hair seems so much more manageable next weekend. I told him I had been brushing it more times each day and maybe that is why. That was pretty much the extent of the conversation other than the kids are doing good. A couple weeks ago I had a really bad nightmare about a fictional dream child of mine dying. It was awful and it made me so sad. That morning I called John and told him I had a terrible dream and could I say hi to the kids. He offered to have them Skype with me. I got to see them talk to them and it really made me feel better afterwards.

Do I like John now? Yes I do, I think I am blessed to have him for the father of my children. We have had to get through a lot of obstacles but we made it. My kids will have all the love of a mother and a father. I never understood why parents would try to turn their children against the other parent. I never tried to my self although I may have done so unintentionally. Soon after my kids were seeing their father full weekends every other week I saw the pain it brought them, the fear and sorrow of leaving me to go to him. I started telling them Daddy loves you, Daddy misses you. This past Friday when we met up they ran into his arms yelling DADDY! It made me so happy (a little Jealous, they don't do that when they see me :-) but I am old new)

I do not know what the future brings and I am sure that there will be more disagreements between John and I but I really believe we have come to a good place. I even think I love him again. I do not love him as a lover or potential mate but as the man who helped produce my family, the man who loves my children as much as me, as much as only a parent can. I am going to give my children the best gift available, a good relationship with their father.

I never know how to end what I am writing but I will end it with this. I wish every parent tried to be selfless and let their child love their other parent. If the other parent is no good the child will find out on their own and if the other parent is not than the child will get to grow up with two good parents and what is better than that?

Trip to the library

I love to take my kids to the library. When I was a child the library was one of my favorite places to be. All different kinds of books about all different things. Now adays the library still has that and I want my kids to feel it. There is also a little corner with some comfy chairs and kids puzzles and such. So I can relax with a book while the kids get to play in a different place than home.
At the library downtown there is free parking for up to an hour, then they start charging. Getting into the library is a chore with two three year olds. We park and the kids tumble out of the car. Since they have to inspect everything from the car to the door it take awhile to get inside. Finally we get to the door and when we first get inside, we enter the lobby which has high echoing ceilings, so the kids want to yell and run. Getting through the lobby is a test in patients, one I do not always pass. Finally we get to the stairs and thankfully it is only one floor up. Unfortunately there is a bathroom at the top and my kids have to use every bathroom the see. Finally we get to the last leg. Just have to walk to the back where the puzzles are. That means walking past a glass case with toys inside which has to be inspected, past computers that have to be played with, and yet another set of bathrooms. Finally fifteen to twenty minutes after parking we get to sit and relax. Normally this walk would take me about 3-5 minutes.
Since I plan 15 minutes to get out of parking that means only about 25-30 minutes of library time. Usually enough for some good puzzle time and to pick out some books to take home. Despite the effort it takes I still love taking them. On days that I don't have the energy for all that, there is a smaller library closer by. There is no puzzles but the kids still like grabbing a book and sitting at the kid table for a good read.
I hope bringing them to the library so young will really develop a love for the library. Somewhere they can go for entertainment or just to get away.

Grocery shopping

Grocery shopping has never been an activity I enjoyed. Now with twins it is a chore. I do not really mind though. I do not go out too often and grocery shopping is something I have to do. The people at my local grocery store have begun to recognize me, the one pushing a shopping cart and either pulling another shopping cart or a baby stroller.

I go from isle to isle getting things for the week to eat. The babies either sleep or look around while we go through the store. It is very freeing to be single and grocery shopping. In the past I have had people I have lived with deciding what needs to be bought and what does not. Now I get to decide. So yea I do get pre-cut fruit, organic yogurt, and the "good juice". I still get the generic jam and bread. But now if I feel like getting an ice cream I get one.

The babies like to be out and about. Emily especially likes it when we are stopped so someone can ooh and aww over her. She get so coy and pretends to be shy but really she's like, more more. I admit in my eyes they are the most beautiful creations. I want to show them off. To the world if I could. I feel like they have the ability to make everyone's life better. Is that how all first time mothers feel about their children I wonder. I know that how I feel about them is exaggerated to what is reality.

Now that my ex took back the car he bought me over a year ago I walk there and take a taxi home. Unless it is cold or wet out. It is a nice walk. When the sun is out and the air feels good, sometimes if the wind is blowing right I can smell the salt of the sea as I walk. I can close my eyes and I feel like I am home again. Taking a taxi is nice too. I mean having someone drive me here and there. Meeting new people. There is one person who I have gotten to know and I really like when that person shows up. It can be a weird situation also. Like the guy who came and as soon as I opened the door the overwhelming smell of pot came out, or the guy who came and had one of his doors broken, or the guy who came and I could not figure out if it was a man or woman for the first half of the ride. All these people have been so friendly. I have not met a bad one yet as far as personality's go.

All in all it can be fun and luckily I can go whenever I want to so I can pick a nice day or a day I feel particularly energetic. If nothing else it is a chance to get out and see people.

Finally my baby girl stands!

Julian was eager to get up and about from an early age. He wanted to sit up so early. He was always stiff. Before I knew it he was standing, with assistance of course. Now he is sitting on his own. For a few seconds at least until he falls over.

Emily on the other hand has always been so content being limp. She barely wanted to sit up. Don't get me wrong, she is my little cuddle bug. She lays with me and is like my little worm. I admit though that her not stiffening made me a little worried. So I am always trying to get her to stand. I hold her up and put her feet on the ground and let a little bit of her weight go at a time. Eventually limp she would go. Not today though. Today my little girl stood proud. And boy did she have a smile on her face while doing it. Maybe that was because of mommy cheering so much, but I think it was because she was so proud of herself.

The sweetness of being a mother

Well my babies are finally active. I mean they were rolling over here and there before. But now I put them on their play mat and before I know it they are across the room. There is no keeping Emily on her back either. I put her down and she is over. Tonight for the first time I put her in her crib and she rolled over to her belly. She kept crying for me to come get her. I went in the first time and saw her peeking over her bumper. As soon as I walked over to her she rolled over to her back and giggled. That made me laugh. So I left her there and went back to what I was doing. Next thing I know she is crying on her stomach peeking over the bumper. Eventually she went to sleep but it is so funny to see her laying there peeking.





Sometimes when I have many things to do I will put each of the babies in a seat. I have a bouncy seat, and a little plastic bebepod seat (which by the way is an awesome way to have your baby sit up when they can not yet do it themselves) Julian now can almost crawl out of it, I think that is what he is doing anyways. He gets his body out of it and will be leaning like laying across it or leaning so his head is touching the floor while still strapped in. It is so weird its funny. Because of that I do not put him in his bouncy seat anymore.



I am also trying to get the babies to interact with each other more. They seem to really enjoy each other and seem really able to relate to each other. When I out them face to face they start giggling, giggling more than any other time. Of course when one cries the other cries. This does not happen all the time, but sometimes if one is crying to loudly and I do not immediately stop the crying the other one starts right up. When ever Emily's face is in arms reach of Julian and she has a pacifier he goes right for it. It is so funny and so predictable. Realistically it looks like a magnet. As soon as she is close enough there goes his arm right to her face.


Really the thing is, is that I am a first time mother. It is the small things that really get to me. A look from Julian, a smile from Emily, the way Julian always wants to touch my face with both hands in an almost reassuring way, the way that Emily will laugh sometimes from something as simple as me whispering "I love you" in her ear.

I am willing to do anything for my children. I gave up smoking, I finally realized who the man I thought I loved was, I am willing to go the roughest time right now knowing it will better for the three of us when it is all done. I moved to the east coast the last place I want to live, many more things, yet I go to bed ever night with a smile on my face and contentment in my heart. I feel good everyday. I feel love, a love I never had before, a love I never could imagine. I know I getting sappy but hey... I am a new mother... of twins!

Can you tell my babies apart?
You have a 50% chance of getting it.

I have two wonderful little babies. They are almost six months old. I can not believe how fast the last six months have gone by. I can already see that my babies are going to grow up way to fast and I admit it makes me a little sad. I wish I could keep them little and cuddled up in my arms forever. I guess that can't happen though. I never thought of my own mortality until I had babies. I always thought I was young and had so much time. I now know that is not true. Before I know it my babies will be toddlers, then kids, then teens, and finally adults. I can't imagine it but I know it will happen faster than I want it to. Then my time will be up. And we only get one chance. Why do so many people, people like me waste so much time. I have wasted almost 3 decades and for what. I have not done many things I wanted to do. I have not really traveled, I have never been in love for real, I have never flown a plane, I have never sang karaoke or gone sailing. There are many more things I would like to experience. The one thing I have done that is great is have my babies. When I kiss them good night and look at their little sleeping faces, I know that there is nothing I would have change about my past. For all the good I have been through and all the bad I have been through it has all been worth it.

Being a single mother is hard

Well I am back. I took a little break as my status was up in the air. I am now a proud apartment renter. I have a small two bedroom and I can say that I am now able to fully take care of my children. I have to say though being a single mother is hard. It is not hard in the ways I thought it would be when the father of my children first decided he "just had to be alone for now". It is hard in the small ways. The three a.m. feedings were not really hard. Not like I thought they would be. I was tired and it took extra effort to get my butt out of bed and get those bottles made but I did it and that was that. Constantly changing diapers were not fun but definitely not hard. Doing laundry all the time is not hard. It is annoying but whatever. The hardest thing for me is going to get milk or food or anything that requires leaving the house. What do I go through just to go two minutes up the road for milk.



Well I feed my kids, change them, make sure they are dressed in clean clothes.That takes about 45 minutes. Then I get their car seats out of their room and get them ready to go. I put little jackets on them and mittens since it is winter. I then snug them up with a blanket. I make sure they have pacifiers in their mouth so they will be happy. I strap them in. I put on my own jacket. I then take them out my door, lock up and head down stairs. I take one down to the second floor, then I go get the other one from the third floor and take that one to the first floor, then I go get the other one from the second floor, go down to the first floor grab the other one and head out to the car. I put them in the car and I am off. Why go through all that and not just carry them both down together? Well falling down the stairs two times with the babies in hand has taught me that I can not do that.

So now I am off and I get to the store. If I am getting just a few things than I can manage to stuff those underneath the baby carriage. If on the other hand I am doing some real shopping I have to push the shopping cart with one hand and pull the baby carriage with the other. So I get whatever it is then I am headed home. I get home and I ask myself how am I supposed to get everything upstairs. Here is how. I take the babies inside the hall first floor. Go grab my bags. Luckily I park right in front of my door. So I have all this. I start carrying babies and bags upstairs. One baby at a time and then how ever many trips for the bags. I finally get it all in my apartment. By that time the babies are hungry again. So I take the babies out of their seat, take their jackets and mittens off, put them in swings, go make bottles, and then feed either one at a time or if they are too frantic prop one up with a bottle and feed the other. Then I put away whatever I bought.

So sometimes when I have no milk, or nothing to eat I ask myself... is it really worth it. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I try to get out once everyday. If I am already planning to get out it is not so bad. But if I forget something while I am out than I do not get it.


aaahhhhhhh I am tired now. Now I need a nap

Time with family

Emily on her forst road trip

Well I decided it had been long enough without my mother and sister meeting my little ones. I have never been able to stay still very long. I have been having a rough time as far s the six weeks blues, being a single mother, and my ex being... well they way he is. So I decided to go to Massachusetts. It is normally about a 14 hour drive. It took me close to 18 hours. They babies did great. They love to be in the car anyway. I would drive for a few hours then stop at a rest stop or a fast food place. I would take the babies out and lay them out on a table on a blanket. It gave them a chance to stretch, eat and get a break.

Julian on his first road trip

Finally dead tired we got to their Grandma's home. I took them up to her place and let her take over. She had a nice hot pizza for me and I enjoyed that as she enjoyed feeding and changing her grand babies for the first time. I was so tired I just relaxed and let her take over. She did a great job. I love having Grandma around or as she prefers it Nana. She started off a little nervous I am sure because they are still so small. Julian barely nine pounds and Emily barely eight. I spent the night at her house and she even fed them in the middle of the night and in the early am. I was so relieved. I have been up for almost 30 hours and I was beat.

Nana Feeding Julian

Well my sister agreed to come pick up our mother so she could spend the day at our sisters house. It was a big step for my sister and I am glad we all got together. We started off the day going to Target where we had lunch and then we went to The Childrens Place to look at baby clothes. My mother got her grandchildren some new winter outfits that were just adorable.

Heather taking photos of Julian and Emily

Over the last couple days t has been wonderful getting to spend time with my sister and my little niece Hannah. She is just over a year old now. She is walking with help and full of pretty smiles. She is just darling and she loves her little cousins. She come over to them and wants to pet their heads. She gets a bit excited though and starts to hit them in the head. Then Heather tells her no so not do that and she freaks out and it is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Heather is a great mother though and I really like the fact that she set boundarys with Hannah and the twins. It is so funny though.

Hannah with Julian