The last couple of days I have been short with my kids, getting frustrated at them and yelling at them. Saying hurtful things in a hurtful voice. Just not being the understanding and patient mother I have worked so hard to become. Going overboard when they spill something or do something I tell them to not to do. In general I have been a real monster. It is embarrassing to admit and the guilt at knowing I have been so horrible to them is worse than anything.
I have worked hard to become a good mother, a strong woman to lead my children out of babyhood and into childhood. I have worked hard at being patient, loving, and involved. So to backslide into the crappy mother I was is very disheartening.
Every other Thursday my kids get to sleep in as late as they like, get whatever they want for breakfast, and watch hours of cartoons. It is a special treat since they then go to their fathers house Thursday night and stay there to Sunday night. It makes me feel good and them happy.
Today after the last few days of Monster Mommy I felt sick with guilt. After a good cry and thorough apologies to both of my kids which they were quick with -its okay mommy, I love you- from both of them (isn't three such a great, forgiving age) we settled on the couch for snuggles, and cartoons along with yummy snacks. As they watch TV I usually read or play on my computer. But today since I just wanted to snuggle close to them I didn't have anything to distract me. We started watching Strawberry Shortcake. In this episode Strawberry and her friends were making a cake. Strawberry's little sister Apple Dumpling wanted to help. She was just a little one like a toddler. So Strawberry gave her an easy job but in minutes she had created a huge mess spilling ingredients everywhere. I thought to myself, what a mess, I can not believe they let her help. That is why you should not let little ones help. I would be so angry and I would tell her to get the heck out of the kitchen (something I had unfortunately said to my own daughter, my beloved little girl only this morning for spilling, just an accident, an incident of being only 3 and wanting to help Mommy). But did Strawberry get angry? No, she was patient and kind to the little one. I then thought to myself wow you are being such a jerk. Look how sweet Strawberry is. I need to take a lesson from Strawberry,
Often times people who see me in the grocery store or out and about other places dealing with two rambunctious toddlers tell me -you might not know but this is the best time of your life-. The thing is, I do know it. I do get frustrated, and I do say some mean things to my children and there is no excuse for it. Luckily for them the meanness has been reduced to almost none and hopefully it will be none soon. But I know how wonderful this time is. I know this is the time that my kids will love me unconditionally, want to be be with me 24/7, and will hug and kiss me no matter what no matter where. I know that this is the only time that I can always get them to listen to me (one way or another). I know it will never get better. Knowing makes it scarier I think. I know if I screw up too badly during this time I will live the rest of my life regretting it. So I am taking a lesson from Strawberry Shortcake. I can not wait for the next time Emily wants to help me so she can spill something and I can say -it's cool Em, spills happen-
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