Co parenting

Co parenting is so hard. Raising children in two households with different rules and ideals in each home can be hard. Although it is difficult, it gets easier as time goes by.

For most of the first three years of Emily and Julian's life they did not know anything about their father John. I disliked him more than anybody I had ever disliked and the feeling was mutual. He made little effort to see the kids. He wanted to see them on his terms or not at all so not at all it was. I wasn't a big fan of his and so I was content with not at all although I was pretty vocal with complaining about him never seeing the kids. I lived in Massachusetts and he lived in Michigan.

When the kids were three I moved to Michigan for a few reasons but the biggest was my aunt and uncle lived there and they had always been pretty supportive of me and the kids. I was not doing well and I needed some stability and so did the kids. Also John was in Michigan and so maybe he could be a part of the kids life.

When we fist got to Michigan their was still tension between John and I. He still wanted the kids on his terms and I still did not want to meet his terms. I was very protective of Emily and Julian. John wanted to jump right into full weekends. I wanted him to visit them in a familiar environment at first for several months. Since neither of us could come up with an agreement John stopped seeing the kids. Finally we went to court. The courts decided that the kids would see him in a familiar environment for a couple weeks and then every other weekend. I was sad that I would finally have to share the kids but the pressure was off of me for having to deal with visitation. It was out of my hands and I was relieved.

The tension between John and I was still very high. He did not want to hear anything I had to say about the kids and what they liked or didn't like what scared them what worked, anything. I did not want the kids to like him. I never bad mouthed him to Emily and Julian and I never tried to make them dislike him but I am sure that the tension between us was obvious. The kids would cry and scream for me when they came, they sure did not want to go. They were happy when they got home but still very happy to see me. I felt so loved, but I felt so sad every other weekend when they left, seeing them cry and and scared as they drove away. I started to tell them how much their Daddy loved them and how much he missed them. We would Skype once in a while. John and I started talking a little when we exchanged the kids. Nothing much just how they were during the weekend, stuff they did or were going to do.

Now I look forward to the off weekends. I enjoy a little freedom, I enjoy chatting with John when we meet up. We call each other for whatever and talk and joke an laugh. John has been asking me to get Emily her first haircut because her hair has become a bit unmanageable  (I asked him not to do it, I wanted a special thing with Emily) and while I was writing this he called me just to ask if I had done it yet. I told him I had not and he told me that for some reason her hair seems so much more manageable next weekend. I told him I had been brushing it more times each day and maybe that is why. That was pretty much the extent of the conversation other than the kids are doing good. A couple weeks ago I had a really bad nightmare about a fictional dream child of mine dying. It was awful and it made me so sad. That morning I called John and told him I had a terrible dream and could I say hi to the kids. He offered to have them Skype with me. I got to see them talk to them and it really made me feel better afterwards.

Do I like John now? Yes I do, I think I am blessed to have him for the father of my children. We have had to get through a lot of obstacles but we made it. My kids will have all the love of a mother and a father. I never understood why parents would try to turn their children against the other parent. I never tried to my self although I may have done so unintentionally. Soon after my kids were seeing their father full weekends every other week I saw the pain it brought them, the fear and sorrow of leaving me to go to him. I started telling them Daddy loves you, Daddy misses you. This past Friday when we met up they ran into his arms yelling DADDY! It made me so happy (a little Jealous, they don't do that when they see me :-) but I am old new)

I do not know what the future brings and I am sure that there will be more disagreements between John and I but I really believe we have come to a good place. I even think I love him again. I do not love him as a lover or potential mate but as the man who helped produce my family, the man who loves my children as much as me, as much as only a parent can. I am going to give my children the best gift available, a good relationship with their father.

I never know how to end what I am writing but I will end it with this. I wish every parent tried to be selfless and let their child love their other parent. If the other parent is no good the child will find out on their own and if the other parent is not than the child will get to grow up with two good parents and what is better than that?