Imagine if there were four instead of two... 

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Julian and Emily

I am so used to having babies that having two walking talking three year olds is quite a change. When my on tells me to calm down when I am rushing him or my daughter rolls her eyes at me when she doesn't like some thing I have said I do not know whether to laugh or to frown.

My kids have recently started going to day care. They cry so much when I drop them off, but when I pick them up they do not want to come home with me. Today was the first day Emily did not cry. She just game me a kiss and that was it. But my little Julian broke my heart again. I feel like I am getting softer and softer, weaker and weaker. I used to let them cry but now I feel so bad for them. I realize that  letting them cry is good for them but in the moment it is so hard.

quiet time

I love my kids I really do. But sometimes I just want to get away from them. We only have us. We spend all our time together. So they always want to sit on me, grab me, follow me around. Sometimes its just too much. I want to cry for them and for myself. For them because they should have a better mother. One with infinite patience. One who has friends to take them to see. One who can only bring joy and pleasure to them. I cry and I am so angry at that stupid younger self. So eager for a family with someone to love me. I always felt so unloved and in my stupid mind so like so many stupid hurting young woman I thought if I had a man and a baby I would have love. I do have love now x2. But now my youth and freedom is gone. My life is no longer my own. I do not regret having my children. I will never regret that. They are the best. There really isn't words to describe how much I love them. I only regret so many wasted years. Years that affect me currently. I want to be so much more. Now that they are my world I wish I had made a better world for them. Maybe I still will. I do not have faith that I will. Self doubt eats me all the time. All I tell myself, every night as I am falling asleep. Tomorrow will be better.

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Two and Two make hell

Two two year olds. Wow time flies by. They are so big and so destructive. Everyday passes so fast and yet so slow. I'm in limbo now staying with my sister while I try to get my own place. I watch each hour waiting for the next one. Wake up and feed the kids, wait until nap time. 3 hours left, 2 hours left, an hour, 30 minutes, ef it they can go 15 minutes early. Then a bit of freedom as I count again. 2 hours of solitudes left, 1 hour, 30 minutes. Panic sets in knowing its almost over. Then they come lunch time. Then another count down. 4 hours till dinner, 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour got to start preparing. Cook and they eat. Then brush and bath. Night time putting to sleep ritual. Then a couple hours of solitudes where I eat and try to stretch the night out. Then its to bed that I share with two two year olds. Get to do the same exact thing tomorrow.

Some days are different. We go grocery shopping once a week or so. That's nice. There are other high points too. When my kids give me monster hugs, or the do some silly thing that I can't help laughing at.  

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Sick little Emily

I had to take Em to the hospital tonight. She was coughing and miserable and finally she threw up. So I took her and five minutes after we get there she is happy playing around. It took almost 4 hours to find out its no biggie and that I should give her less juice at a time for right now and popsicles are a go. So tired now so I'm off to never never land

Drying Julian

I am not sure why little ones like to get into little cramped places all the time, but the smaller and more difficult the more interested they are. Emily likes to try to get behind the couch. Then she screams for me to come rescue her stuck head. Over and over she does this. I keep thinking she will learn but not yet. Julian's new thing is climbing into the dryer. Don't worry it is always kept locked closed except when I am using it. Whenever I am doing laundry I am usually cleaning something else in the kitchen. Two birds and all... so the first time Julian crawled in there I had taken the clothes out and was about to put more in but I stopped to clean the stove. I also have a.d.d. or something because I will often stop halfway through one task to start a completely new task. So I'm cleaning the stove and I hear Julian playing around the dryer. So I glance over and he had completely climbed in. I thought it was so cute that I had to take like 20 pictures. I sent my mother one and she immediately calls me up. I thought oh she wants to tell me how cute. Nope. She immediately starts telling me how much danger my son was in, how letting him climb into a dryer (me standing less than 2 feet away) could result in his death. How about we enjoy a cute picture and be grateful my son made it through with his life.

Time moves on

This past week or so I have really been thinking about how time moves so fast. My little ones are about a year and a half old now. That may not seem like a lot of time but to me it feels so long. I have recently come across some short videos of my babies when they were a mere couple of months old and boy do I miss them. I love my kids but I miss my babies so much. I miss being able to hold them for as long as I like, I miss being able to put them down and knowing they weren't going anywhere and better yet they weren't going to get into anything. I miss being able to sooth them in 10 seconds or less no matter what the problem. I miss their only needing to drink their meals. I realize there are so many rewards and joy with the babies I have now but knowing I will never again see my newborn son and daughter again makes me a little sad.