I love my kids I really do. But sometimes I just want to get away from them. We only have us. We spend all our time together. So they always want to sit on me, grab me, follow me around. Sometimes its just too much. I want to cry for them and for myself. For them because they should have a better mother. One with infinite patience. One who has friends to take them to see. One who can only bring joy and pleasure to them. I cry and I am so angry at that stupid younger self. So eager for a family with someone to love me. I always felt so unloved and in my stupid mind so like so many stupid hurting young woman I thought if I had a man and a baby I would have love. I do have love now x2. But now my youth and freedom is gone. My life is no longer my own. I do not regret having my children. I will never regret that. They are the best. There really isn't words to describe how much I love them. I only regret so many wasted years. Years that affect me currently. I want to be so much more. Now that they are my world I wish I had made a better world for them. Maybe I still will. I do not have faith that I will. Self doubt eats me all the time. All I tell myself, every night as I am falling asleep. Tomorrow will be better.
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