I turned 30

I just turned 30 and I feel great about it. In my 20's I had a lot of fun. I traveld from coast to coast, went to Puerto Rico for a while, did some door to door sales up the east coast. I met some great people from all over the world. I was poor as dirt but it didn't really matter. It was that poor where you don't own anything but you don't want anything. Not poor when you can't eat or afford medicine. (Although there were some of those days) But nothing can just be fun with no consequences  I missed out on a good time as a teen, so I had a good time as a 20. now I am going to college as a 30. I am hoping to have a good job as a 40... ya never know. 

Being in college is a blessing in the way that my kids are in daycare. I needed that break from them and they needed that break from me. They get to go out and socialize with other kids and play and do things that I may not want to do with them. But they are learning some behaviors that I am not happy with. When I pick up Emily or grab her to stop her from doing things I do not want her to do she yells  -let go of me- and I get such a flash of a little girl. She is three and I can see her as a little girl not a baby. How did that happen. And Julian, well actually he is an Angel. He is so sweet and so considerate. But he has this tipping point that is so obvious and yet I still miss it. Like when we were outside today and he ran down the side walk. I told him we had to go in for a sec and so he came running. Just teasing him I ran towards the door and said I am going in. He started yelling      -wait wait- and I looked back to see a frustrated stricken look on his face. I tried to tell him its okay I would wait for him  but before I could get the words out of my mouth he crumpled. He fell to the ground crying. I just about had my heart broken... afterwords. At the time I was frustrated  He would not get up, no matter what I said. So I had to go over to him, pick him up, and carry him in. Not easy when filled with frustration.

Everyday I hope that I did alright and maybe I will do better tomorrow. When  I was younger and people asked why I did not have kids, I always said, I did not have kids because I was too immature and so I was not able to care for kids. I know that was true. I question now whether that has changes. Either way it does not matter. I have the lives of two human beings in my care. I am the difference between life and death when it comes to them. 

Things I worry about concerning my 3 year olds-

Having a set of three year olds is so hard, there is so much to worry about. I worry if they are getting enough attentio, doing enough activites, eating the righ foods and learning what they need to know. I suppose these are common concerns for any parent but...

















I am a single mother and I have no idea what I am doing and really that is scary.

Fun day out

I took my kids to a little farm today. It was a lot of fun, there were goats to feed, apple cider and donuts and a lot of activities to do.

    

The first thing we did when we got there was to feed the goats. There was a little machine to put quarters in and goat feed came out. My Aunt Mary brought us there and she brought quarters for the kids. The kids loved it



They did not want to leave this area, they have been house bound a lot because of mid terms at school for me. I think they were so happy to be outside doing something different.



Finally we convinced them to head over to the main building where we got some home made donuts and some apple juice. Then we headed over to where the bunnies were. The bunnies were hiding, too many kids grabbing them. I have not always been a social person especially with my kids. So it took me a little to warm up to being around so many other people.

After snacking we headed over to a giant slide. As soon as they saw it their eyes lit up. That was another thing that they wanted to stay at all day.



Julian was ready to jump in. Emily is still not quite ready to jump in without any thought  She would only go feet first on her belly.











There were so many things to do there and yet Emily's favorite thing was to play in a corn house. It was a little shack that had a floor covered in corn. There were little digging and other sand type tools to scoop up the corn and dump it. Emily would have been happy to stay there all day.

Eventually we made it out to the hay stack where there was a little walk through for the kids. Julian just ran right through it. Emily however was not so eager to just run into a dark hay hallway. The stacks were pretty high, up to the tops of the kids head. But Julian insisted on climbing up himself. He is so independent now.

 Right next to the has stack were water pumps. The kids pumped water to watch it run down a pipe carrying a little ducky. My kids love water. Anything that has water in it, made of water, or water they get get into. So they sat there pumping away. Julian worked so hard as though it were his job and damn it he was going
to do it right.

There was a pumpkin patch also. The kids were not as interested here. They did like all the pumpkins and kept trying to pick them up, but by this time they were pretty tired as was I. Thank goodness my aunt was there I don't know what I would have done. After this we all ready to go.

There was these little "horses" near the entrance and so we told the kids were were going to ride the horses. The kids did not want to leave but what three year old wants to go home after a day of fun.


We had a great time. My Aunt took us out, if it wasn't for her I am not sure what we would have done. It would have probably been another boring Saturday. My kids are just getting bigger and bigger. I loved my babies so much  I miss them all the time. But I always looked forward to the time when I could take the kids to do things and we could have fun together.

This is a great time, where they can tell me what they want and what they enjoy. I knew that Emily wanted to stay in the corn house and and I knew that Julian liked the slide. I wish I had not been so tired by the time we got to the pumpkin patch so I could have had more fun with them there but all in all we had a good time.

Imagine if there were four instead of two... 

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Julian and Emily

I am so used to having babies that having two walking talking three year olds is quite a change. When my on tells me to calm down when I am rushing him or my daughter rolls her eyes at me when she doesn't like some thing I have said I do not know whether to laugh or to frown.

My kids have recently started going to day care. They cry so much when I drop them off, but when I pick them up they do not want to come home with me. Today was the first day Emily did not cry. She just game me a kiss and that was it. But my little Julian broke my heart again. I feel like I am getting softer and softer, weaker and weaker. I used to let them cry but now I feel so bad for them. I realize that  letting them cry is good for them but in the moment it is so hard.

quiet time

I love my kids I really do. But sometimes I just want to get away from them. We only have us. We spend all our time together. So they always want to sit on me, grab me, follow me around. Sometimes its just too much. I want to cry for them and for myself. For them because they should have a better mother. One with infinite patience. One who has friends to take them to see. One who can only bring joy and pleasure to them. I cry and I am so angry at that stupid younger self. So eager for a family with someone to love me. I always felt so unloved and in my stupid mind so like so many stupid hurting young woman I thought if I had a man and a baby I would have love. I do have love now x2. But now my youth and freedom is gone. My life is no longer my own. I do not regret having my children. I will never regret that. They are the best. There really isn't words to describe how much I love them. I only regret so many wasted years. Years that affect me currently. I want to be so much more. Now that they are my world I wish I had made a better world for them. Maybe I still will. I do not have faith that I will. Self doubt eats me all the time. All I tell myself, every night as I am falling asleep. Tomorrow will be better.

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Two and Two make hell

Two two year olds. Wow time flies by. They are so big and so destructive. Everyday passes so fast and yet so slow. I'm in limbo now staying with my sister while I try to get my own place. I watch each hour waiting for the next one. Wake up and feed the kids, wait until nap time. 3 hours left, 2 hours left, an hour, 30 minutes, ef it they can go 15 minutes early. Then a bit of freedom as I count again. 2 hours of solitudes left, 1 hour, 30 minutes. Panic sets in knowing its almost over. Then they come lunch time. Then another count down. 4 hours till dinner, 3 hours, 2 hours, 1 hour got to start preparing. Cook and they eat. Then brush and bath. Night time putting to sleep ritual. Then a couple hours of solitudes where I eat and try to stretch the night out. Then its to bed that I share with two two year olds. Get to do the same exact thing tomorrow.

Some days are different. We go grocery shopping once a week or so. That's nice. There are other high points too. When my kids give me monster hugs, or the do some silly thing that I can't help laughing at.  

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