I turned 30

I just turned 30 and I feel great about it. In my 20's I had a lot of fun. I traveld from coast to coast, went to Puerto Rico for a while, did some door to door sales up the east coast. I met some great people from all over the world. I was poor as dirt but it didn't really matter. It was that poor where you don't own anything but you don't want anything. Not poor when you can't eat or afford medicine. (Although there were some of those days) But nothing can just be fun with no consequences  I missed out on a good time as a teen, so I had a good time as a 20. now I am going to college as a 30. I am hoping to have a good job as a 40... ya never know. 

Being in college is a blessing in the way that my kids are in daycare. I needed that break from them and they needed that break from me. They get to go out and socialize with other kids and play and do things that I may not want to do with them. But they are learning some behaviors that I am not happy with. When I pick up Emily or grab her to stop her from doing things I do not want her to do she yells  -let go of me- and I get such a flash of a little girl. She is three and I can see her as a little girl not a baby. How did that happen. And Julian, well actually he is an Angel. He is so sweet and so considerate. But he has this tipping point that is so obvious and yet I still miss it. Like when we were outside today and he ran down the side walk. I told him we had to go in for a sec and so he came running. Just teasing him I ran towards the door and said I am going in. He started yelling      -wait wait- and I looked back to see a frustrated stricken look on his face. I tried to tell him its okay I would wait for him  but before I could get the words out of my mouth he crumpled. He fell to the ground crying. I just about had my heart broken... afterwords. At the time I was frustrated  He would not get up, no matter what I said. So I had to go over to him, pick him up, and carry him in. Not easy when filled with frustration.

Everyday I hope that I did alright and maybe I will do better tomorrow. When  I was younger and people asked why I did not have kids, I always said, I did not have kids because I was too immature and so I was not able to care for kids. I know that was true. I question now whether that has changes. Either way it does not matter. I have the lives of two human beings in my care. I am the difference between life and death when it comes to them.