My son is standing up

My baby boy Julian stands now. He has been doing it for a while. It is one of my favorite things about him. He will stand on my lap while I hold his hands just helping him with balance a little and he shakes his little hips. This gives him so much pleasure. He smiles and is just so happy. If he is too tiered he wants to stand, which is a little backwards. You would think tired... lay down and rest. But no Julian wants to be up and standing. Sometimes when I am changing him on his changing table I will stand him up and hold his little hands and he will spread his arms and it is like he wants to give me a hug. I just pick him up and he puts his arms around my neck and there really is not a better feeling than your baby being so close.

I have two wonderful little babies. They are almost six months old. I can not believe how fast the last six months have gone by. I can already see that my babies are going to grow up way to fast and I admit it makes me a little sad. I wish I could keep them little and cuddled up in my arms forever. I guess that can't happen though. I never thought of my own mortality until I had babies. I always thought I was young and had so much time. I now know that is not true. Before I know it my babies will be toddlers, then kids, then teens, and finally adults. I can't imagine it but I know it will happen faster than I want it to. Then my time will be up. And we only get one chance. Why do so many people, people like me waste so much time. I have wasted almost 3 decades and for what. I have not done many things I wanted to do. I have not really traveled, I have never been in love for real, I have never flown a plane, I have never sang karaoke or gone sailing. There are many more things I would like to experience. The one thing I have done that is great is have my babies. When I kiss them good night and look at their little sleeping faces, I know that there is nothing I would have change about my past. For all the good I have been through and all the bad I have been through it has all been worth it.

Being a single mother is hard

Well I am back. I took a little break as my status was up in the air. I am now a proud apartment renter. I have a small two bedroom and I can say that I am now able to fully take care of my children. I have to say though being a single mother is hard. It is not hard in the ways I thought it would be when the father of my children first decided he "just had to be alone for now". It is hard in the small ways. The three a.m. feedings were not really hard. Not like I thought they would be. I was tired and it took extra effort to get my butt out of bed and get those bottles made but I did it and that was that. Constantly changing diapers were not fun but definitely not hard. Doing laundry all the time is not hard. It is annoying but whatever. The hardest thing for me is going to get milk or food or anything that requires leaving the house. What do I go through just to go two minutes up the road for milk.



Well I feed my kids, change them, make sure they are dressed in clean clothes.That takes about 45 minutes. Then I get their car seats out of their room and get them ready to go. I put little jackets on them and mittens since it is winter. I then snug them up with a blanket. I make sure they have pacifiers in their mouth so they will be happy. I strap them in. I put on my own jacket. I then take them out my door, lock up and head down stairs. I take one down to the second floor, then I go get the other one from the third floor and take that one to the first floor, then I go get the other one from the second floor, go down to the first floor grab the other one and head out to the car. I put them in the car and I am off. Why go through all that and not just carry them both down together? Well falling down the stairs two times with the babies in hand has taught me that I can not do that.

So now I am off and I get to the store. If I am getting just a few things than I can manage to stuff those underneath the baby carriage. If on the other hand I am doing some real shopping I have to push the shopping cart with one hand and pull the baby carriage with the other. So I get whatever it is then I am headed home. I get home and I ask myself how am I supposed to get everything upstairs. Here is how. I take the babies inside the hall first floor. Go grab my bags. Luckily I park right in front of my door. So I have all this. I start carrying babies and bags upstairs. One baby at a time and then how ever many trips for the bags. I finally get it all in my apartment. By that time the babies are hungry again. So I take the babies out of their seat, take their jackets and mittens off, put them in swings, go make bottles, and then feed either one at a time or if they are too frantic prop one up with a bottle and feed the other. Then I put away whatever I bought.

So sometimes when I have no milk, or nothing to eat I ask myself... is it really worth it. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I try to get out once everyday. If I am already planning to get out it is not so bad. But if I forget something while I am out than I do not get it.


aaahhhhhhh I am tired now. Now I need a nap