Grocery shopping

Grocery shopping has never been an activity I enjoyed. Now with twins it is a chore. I do not really mind though. I do not go out too often and grocery shopping is something I have to do. The people at my local grocery store have begun to recognize me, the one pushing a shopping cart and either pulling another shopping cart or a baby stroller.

I go from isle to isle getting things for the week to eat. The babies either sleep or look around while we go through the store. It is very freeing to be single and grocery shopping. In the past I have had people I have lived with deciding what needs to be bought and what does not. Now I get to decide. So yea I do get pre-cut fruit, organic yogurt, and the "good juice". I still get the generic jam and bread. But now if I feel like getting an ice cream I get one.

The babies like to be out and about. Emily especially likes it when we are stopped so someone can ooh and aww over her. She get so coy and pretends to be shy but really she's like, more more. I admit in my eyes they are the most beautiful creations. I want to show them off. To the world if I could. I feel like they have the ability to make everyone's life better. Is that how all first time mothers feel about their children I wonder. I know that how I feel about them is exaggerated to what is reality.

Now that my ex took back the car he bought me over a year ago I walk there and take a taxi home. Unless it is cold or wet out. It is a nice walk. When the sun is out and the air feels good, sometimes if the wind is blowing right I can smell the salt of the sea as I walk. I can close my eyes and I feel like I am home again. Taking a taxi is nice too. I mean having someone drive me here and there. Meeting new people. There is one person who I have gotten to know and I really like when that person shows up. It can be a weird situation also. Like the guy who came and as soon as I opened the door the overwhelming smell of pot came out, or the guy who came and had one of his doors broken, or the guy who came and I could not figure out if it was a man or woman for the first half of the ride. All these people have been so friendly. I have not met a bad one yet as far as personality's go.

All in all it can be fun and luckily I can go whenever I want to so I can pick a nice day or a day I feel particularly energetic. If nothing else it is a chance to get out and see people.

Finally my baby girl stands!

Julian was eager to get up and about from an early age. He wanted to sit up so early. He was always stiff. Before I knew it he was standing, with assistance of course. Now he is sitting on his own. For a few seconds at least until he falls over.

Emily on the other hand has always been so content being limp. She barely wanted to sit up. Don't get me wrong, she is my little cuddle bug. She lays with me and is like my little worm. I admit though that her not stiffening made me a little worried. So I am always trying to get her to stand. I hold her up and put her feet on the ground and let a little bit of her weight go at a time. Eventually limp she would go. Not today though. Today my little girl stood proud. And boy did she have a smile on her face while doing it. Maybe that was because of mommy cheering so much, but I think it was because she was so proud of herself.

The sweetness of being a mother

Well my babies are finally active. I mean they were rolling over here and there before. But now I put them on their play mat and before I know it they are across the room. There is no keeping Emily on her back either. I put her down and she is over. Tonight for the first time I put her in her crib and she rolled over to her belly. She kept crying for me to come get her. I went in the first time and saw her peeking over her bumper. As soon as I walked over to her she rolled over to her back and giggled. That made me laugh. So I left her there and went back to what I was doing. Next thing I know she is crying on her stomach peeking over the bumper. Eventually she went to sleep but it is so funny to see her laying there peeking.





Sometimes when I have many things to do I will put each of the babies in a seat. I have a bouncy seat, and a little plastic bebepod seat (which by the way is an awesome way to have your baby sit up when they can not yet do it themselves) Julian now can almost crawl out of it, I think that is what he is doing anyways. He gets his body out of it and will be leaning like laying across it or leaning so his head is touching the floor while still strapped in. It is so weird its funny. Because of that I do not put him in his bouncy seat anymore.



I am also trying to get the babies to interact with each other more. They seem to really enjoy each other and seem really able to relate to each other. When I out them face to face they start giggling, giggling more than any other time. Of course when one cries the other cries. This does not happen all the time, but sometimes if one is crying to loudly and I do not immediately stop the crying the other one starts right up. When ever Emily's face is in arms reach of Julian and she has a pacifier he goes right for it. It is so funny and so predictable. Realistically it looks like a magnet. As soon as she is close enough there goes his arm right to her face.


Really the thing is, is that I am a first time mother. It is the small things that really get to me. A look from Julian, a smile from Emily, the way Julian always wants to touch my face with both hands in an almost reassuring way, the way that Emily will laugh sometimes from something as simple as me whispering "I love you" in her ear.

I am willing to do anything for my children. I gave up smoking, I finally realized who the man I thought I loved was, I am willing to go the roughest time right now knowing it will better for the three of us when it is all done. I moved to the east coast the last place I want to live, many more things, yet I go to bed ever night with a smile on my face and contentment in my heart. I feel good everyday. I feel love, a love I never had before, a love I never could imagine. I know I getting sappy but hey... I am a new mother... of twins!

Can you tell my babies apart?
You have a 50% chance of getting it.

Feeling the sweetness

I just peeked in on my sleeping babies. There is nothing more angelic or more pure than a sleeping baby. You can see the innocence on their face. They can and do go all day screaming for you to do this for them, do that for them. Barely a moment is available for rest. But then they sleep. I look in on them five or six times during their naps and even more than that when I put them down for the night. They are almost seven months old now and I still feel compelled to check if they are okay. Make sure they are just sleeping. All I have to do is give them a small rub on the cheek. They do a little shiver or a little movement and I know all is well. I read that babies who use pacifiers are less likely to have SIDS. With a pacifier they do not go into as deep a sleep and then are easier to wake if in the wrong position. Something like that. My son Julian is pacifier obsessed, which I admit I am okay with. Emily loves her pacifier too but Julian is just hooked. When I go in to check on them at night I will sometimes give Julian his pacifier. I really do this because I think it is so darn cute seeing him completely asleep but when I rub the pacifier on his lip him going for it. His little mouth opening and he leans forward. All while staying asleep. I tried with Emily but once she is asleep she no longer cares about the pacifier. But if there was ever an angel it is sleeping Emily. Where Julian looks cuter than anything you have ever seen Emily pulls my heart strings.

Wow where to start. So much has happened in the last couple of weeks. I'll start off with my first born Julian. His standing is getting better. His balance is still not great, so he has to be held when he stand. I got him a walker, my neighbor actually found one someone wanted to get rid of and so she nabbed it for me. I had to clean it up a bit but it is great. Julian likes to go in it. He will stand and push with his feet and then the walker will push backwards until he gets across the floor. He has not got the hang of going forward yet so I have to pull it forward so he can go back again. It is a nice relief though not having to hold him standing up for hours at a time. If I need to do things than that is one of the places I can put him. He is so cute and when he is in it he looks up at me with his beautiful brown eyes and I am overcome. I just want to kiss him for hours, which even at 6 months he won't stand for. He'll met me kiss him for a few minuted before he bored and ready for a new activity.

My dear Emily. I have never known such tender sweetness. She is everything and more that a sweet little girl can be. She smiles no matter what. She rarely cries and if she does it is as simple as a kiss from Mommy to make her happy again. She so patient. Where Julian is loud and demanding she is able to sit patiently and wait her turn. As I learn I am learning that she would sit and wait forever if I let her. But I do not. I make sure she knows how much I love her and how important she is to me. Just thinking about her makes my heart melt. I never knew love before. She is definitely rolling over now. I have her on the floor on this play mat my aunt got me. She will roll over and lay there like a turtle on its back. I come and turn her back over and next thing she is on her back again. I had her in the couch sitting next to me. Don't worry I had my legs were blocking the edge. So all in one move she leans forward and lands face down on the couch and then rolls over to the edge (where my legs where) and then she looked up at me smiling. Its like she is some kind of acrobat. I really love everything about my beautiful girl. I love her little tummy where I will blow kisses which makes her smile so big and her eyes go so wide. I love kissing the bottom of her feet. I grab her leg and kiss her foot and then let it go. Then she puts her little foot up for me to do again.

Together they are a team that I have accepted I can not beat. They get me every time. If I am annoyed at them they see it and it just makes them laugh which makes me laugh. I can't imagine what they are going to put me through in a couple years. They are becoming very fond of each other too. If I sit them or lay them near each other they will laugh and stare. The first time this happened I put them in the crib for a nap. A few minutes went by and I hear giggling . I went in and I see them playing with each others hands and it is Emily giggling. They have recently begun to get a little too rambunctious lately. The last time they were in the crib together without me there Emily kicked Julian in the face and there was the tiniest bit of blood in his nose. I heard him cry in an unusual way, ran in and ever since they have not been sleeping together. It is too bad because I thought I would keep them together for years. I thought it would make them closer. I can tell that they don't need my help to be close. They adore each other. I adore them and the fact that they both smile and flail their arms and legs when I come in from the other room make me believe that they adore me too.

My son is standing up

My baby boy Julian stands now. He has been doing it for a while. It is one of my favorite things about him. He will stand on my lap while I hold his hands just helping him with balance a little and he shakes his little hips. This gives him so much pleasure. He smiles and is just so happy. If he is too tiered he wants to stand, which is a little backwards. You would think tired... lay down and rest. But no Julian wants to be up and standing. Sometimes when I am changing him on his changing table I will stand him up and hold his little hands and he will spread his arms and it is like he wants to give me a hug. I just pick him up and he puts his arms around my neck and there really is not a better feeling than your baby being so close.

I have two wonderful little babies. They are almost six months old. I can not believe how fast the last six months have gone by. I can already see that my babies are going to grow up way to fast and I admit it makes me a little sad. I wish I could keep them little and cuddled up in my arms forever. I guess that can't happen though. I never thought of my own mortality until I had babies. I always thought I was young and had so much time. I now know that is not true. Before I know it my babies will be toddlers, then kids, then teens, and finally adults. I can't imagine it but I know it will happen faster than I want it to. Then my time will be up. And we only get one chance. Why do so many people, people like me waste so much time. I have wasted almost 3 decades and for what. I have not done many things I wanted to do. I have not really traveled, I have never been in love for real, I have never flown a plane, I have never sang karaoke or gone sailing. There are many more things I would like to experience. The one thing I have done that is great is have my babies. When I kiss them good night and look at their little sleeping faces, I know that there is nothing I would have change about my past. For all the good I have been through and all the bad I have been through it has all been worth it.

Being a single mother is hard

Well I am back. I took a little break as my status was up in the air. I am now a proud apartment renter. I have a small two bedroom and I can say that I am now able to fully take care of my children. I have to say though being a single mother is hard. It is not hard in the ways I thought it would be when the father of my children first decided he "just had to be alone for now". It is hard in the small ways. The three a.m. feedings were not really hard. Not like I thought they would be. I was tired and it took extra effort to get my butt out of bed and get those bottles made but I did it and that was that. Constantly changing diapers were not fun but definitely not hard. Doing laundry all the time is not hard. It is annoying but whatever. The hardest thing for me is going to get milk or food or anything that requires leaving the house. What do I go through just to go two minutes up the road for milk.



Well I feed my kids, change them, make sure they are dressed in clean clothes.That takes about 45 minutes. Then I get their car seats out of their room and get them ready to go. I put little jackets on them and mittens since it is winter. I then snug them up with a blanket. I make sure they have pacifiers in their mouth so they will be happy. I strap them in. I put on my own jacket. I then take them out my door, lock up and head down stairs. I take one down to the second floor, then I go get the other one from the third floor and take that one to the first floor, then I go get the other one from the second floor, go down to the first floor grab the other one and head out to the car. I put them in the car and I am off. Why go through all that and not just carry them both down together? Well falling down the stairs two times with the babies in hand has taught me that I can not do that.

So now I am off and I get to the store. If I am getting just a few things than I can manage to stuff those underneath the baby carriage. If on the other hand I am doing some real shopping I have to push the shopping cart with one hand and pull the baby carriage with the other. So I get whatever it is then I am headed home. I get home and I ask myself how am I supposed to get everything upstairs. Here is how. I take the babies inside the hall first floor. Go grab my bags. Luckily I park right in front of my door. So I have all this. I start carrying babies and bags upstairs. One baby at a time and then how ever many trips for the bags. I finally get it all in my apartment. By that time the babies are hungry again. So I take the babies out of their seat, take their jackets and mittens off, put them in swings, go make bottles, and then feed either one at a time or if they are too frantic prop one up with a bottle and feed the other. Then I put away whatever I bought.

So sometimes when I have no milk, or nothing to eat I ask myself... is it really worth it. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I try to get out once everyday. If I am already planning to get out it is not so bad. But if I forget something while I am out than I do not get it.


aaahhhhhhh I am tired now. Now I need a nap